Writing on the Wall

I have been waiting for a huge revelation to what I am suppose to do next.  Waiting for a word allowance to move forward.  I felt discouraged I guess watching humanKIND simply be human.  Disappointment after disappointment played in my spirit.  It has had me laying in bed staring at the ceiling wondering why we were born or created when its so much hate, disrespect and anger in the world. So much stepping on people to get ahead no one is on a team it is all I.  Maybe its the Pisces in me that cries for people.  It is not that I am more than everyone, hell no I have my downs and pain but love has become nostalgic.  It is a rarity for people to actually want to climb higher.  This hate and negative energy is a Cancer. it can eat away at the very core of who you are give you amnesia.  I forgot I was a beast because I let someone who resented me rule my who I am.  I gave away that power.  I stand here now swimming through a ocean of grief for the ones I love gone but no human can stay under water you have to learn to breathe or die.  I can't die in grief, sometimes I feel like I am abandoning their memory by being happy but I am granting their wish by pushing forward.  It is not the fist time I have been broken and love, love filled my heart and not just any love but love for myself.  This is what makes me a beast.  I am a pit bull when it comes to protecting myself but now it is more about not giving away my happiness.  To not give up, to be a survivor to be able to look at myself proudly and say you did it., you let love  in, you let God in.  When I needed a life preserver I was not ashamed to say HEY!!!and as i am coming out the water I am developing more strength from the resistance and I am changing,evolving and am allowing myself to swim away from that sad place.  I have move past it but hold on to what is dear forever.  I will not stop, I will not give up and I be damned if I fail.