New Eyes

The losses in my life had no choice but to affect me to my core. I know people say that you will come out the same person but how can you? My vision has changed, the way I see light vs darkness, my connection to others, the way I parent and love or even the things I put up with. It is not all bad though. I honestly did not think I was that strong, I didn't think I could get through but I did and not alone. When we lost our baby I felt hollow empty like I failed at something and I am not afraid to admit that because with our son being gone so were those dreams and that future I had planned. So was the Cookie Monster baby shower I planned or our children fighting over who wanted to hold him. Not only that but I had to process the fact I almost lost my life in the process. My blood loss was serious and I enjoy life and breathing. I literally watched life come back into my body I didn't recognize my face afterwards I didn't recognize me. It took some time to get my footing back and then Daddy. I lost my Daddy September 21st and I sat at the hospital, the same one I lost the baby in fact the same floor and I could not process it all I could process is tasks. I took a long time even going in the room to see his body because that was not my Daddy, my Daddy was gone and I felt lost. My brain froze it felt like everyday feeling like a haunting because I saw him when I was 2 feeding me which made my mom made, at 3 playing this little piggy, at 4 singing you are so beautiful to me, at 5 the field trips he escorted me on, at 6 at my honors celebration on and on and on but now at 34 that was it. He wouldn't be at my wedding physically and he wouldn't be there to see my daughter grow. How do you process that? I am still asking that but I did know my Daddy was courageous. He fought passed many trials of his life. Racism, the government tying to force their beliefs off of him, his battle with drugs, his finding himself again and HE WON. He did not give up even when people treated him differently he found himself and was sure of himself and who he was. That is a lesson I hold dearly to my heart. In all of that my brain began to transform like my Daddy left me a gift. He resuscitated my spirit. He walked with me to this day to let me know he was alright and I could do this. I have days I cry and have no idea I am crying until I look down and see the drops and then there are days I smile and just embrace his spirit. I didn't know that when I looked at his body lay there so lifeless that I had any strength, I didn't know that I could be happy in any capacity after we left the cemetery. I just stared and wondered if he would be cold nothing more but as this journey to find self I have found my father. I see him in the sun, I feel him in the breeze, I meet him in my dreams and we talk sometimes and other times we just smile at one another. So i thank him for being that Daddy. I thank him for loving me so hard that I except nothing less anymore. i thank for seeing me for me and loving it. I thank him for seeing my momma in me and he loved that. The lessons, the love, the grace and the endurance. He has inspired me and I feel like he has left me his vision and now I have new eyes. I laugh more, I do not feel the need for validation because I am validated and still I do not take shit from anyone but now when the present it to me I have a force field around me. I know its my Daddy and my other strong genes and I am eternally thankful.

I love you, I miss you and thank you Diddy (lol) I will always call you my Diddy and I will always be your Sugar Pops.

Memories are something death cannot take from you. Time that was spent with my Dad, talking to him..THATS mines. So although I am not over losing him I still hurt. I know it will be ok and somehow work out. I feel that.So do not be mad or around me mad because you see I act different or get upset when I have boundaries with people. I am in charge of my happiness and no one gets to take that. I am doing what I am meant to do is live. Daddy is smiling on that statement now. So am I. Marrying my best friend was a great first step with my new vision. Perfect. Live and not simply exist. Thats the plan.