A Womans Worth

Sometimes we ignore the big picture to busy playing Queen Bee to realize we are all Queens.  Life pits us against each other in hopes of taking away our power.  As a individual we are strong, as a collective we are a force.  We have multi tasking built into our system. We are the first teachers.  We love hard, we cry hard.  We live passionately. 

We have to stop the attacks on our sisters and instead look toward elevating and building and ooo what a sight I can see if we would just STOP.  Rolling eyes, smacking lips at one another as if to tell the other you are on defense and why.  Defense because something within say you are not enough, when you are.  You are golden a treasure a star.  You are created beautifully and perfectly. Love you, love your body and soon you will not feel that negative energy that makes you roll your eyes because your eyes are open wide.

In closing understand this is not a sermon I am speaking to me.  it touched my spirit and I wanted to pass it on. Love life.  Live as if it is the last day and ladies dance like no one is watching because you are fabulous.


Lanora

Bawling Baby

        My inner child screaming wanting to be free from all this nonsense.  I feel reborn in a world that sometimes is to much. Like a baby in the delivery welcomed by loud lights and voices I am screaming for peace.  For a gentleness instead of harsh realities of selfishness. 
       Screaming the umbilical cord be cut so I can be my own entity while yet still trying to find my way.  In the womb I was sheltered, fed, warm but not on my own.  There is something about being 100% independent that is freeing.  Maybe I will grow wings and soar but right now I do not know because Society has tried its hardest to clip my wings and scare me into thinking that it is safer down on the ground. There is no need for me to fly.  Unfortunately for them I saw another bird do it and crave that same freedom.  Freedom to soar on your own terms. Freedom to decide what direction to go. Basic freedom

I have decided

My birthday was yesterday and today I sit her and am in a place where moving forward is more than an option it is a necessity.  At 33 was full of loss, 34 is to move through that grief and make a place for joy. I decided to move forward in my dreams and make things happen.  Losing my Daddy only pushes me further to want to be the woman he knew I was.  Not sure if that makes sense but losing a parent does that.


When you make a decision like this cheerleaders are nice but they are rare. You need to be your own cheerleader and understand the beauty of you. You have to live in who you are and have babies. No not physical babies but projects that are a manifestation of your spirit.  It is time to move forward into your destiny and own it.

That is what I have decided..the time is now.  Time to move forward. 

Writing on the Wall

I have been waiting for a huge revelation to what I am suppose to do next.  Waiting for a word allowance to move forward.  I felt discouraged I guess watching humanKIND simply be human.  Disappointment after disappointment played in my spirit.  It has had me laying in bed staring at the ceiling wondering why we were born or created when its so much hate, disrespect and anger in the world. So much stepping on people to get ahead no one is on a team it is all I.  Maybe its the Pisces in me that cries for people.  It is not that I am more than everyone, hell no I have my downs and pain but love has become nostalgic.  It is a rarity for people to actually want to climb higher.  This hate and negative energy is a Cancer. it can eat away at the very core of who you are give you amnesia.  I forgot I was a beast because I let someone who resented me rule my who I am.  I gave away that power.  I stand here now swimming through a ocean of grief for the ones I love gone but no human can stay under water you have to learn to breathe or die.  I can't die in grief, sometimes I feel like I am abandoning their memory by being happy but I am granting their wish by pushing forward.  It is not the fist time I have been broken and love, love filled my heart and not just any love but love for myself.  This is what makes me a beast.  I am a pit bull when it comes to protecting myself but now it is more about not giving away my happiness.  To not give up, to be a survivor to be able to look at myself proudly and say you did it., you let love  in, you let God in.  When I needed a life preserver I was not ashamed to say HEY!!!and as i am coming out the water I am developing more strength from the resistance and I am changing,evolving and am allowing myself to swim away from that sad place.  I have move past it but hold on to what is dear forever.  I will not stop, I will not give up and I be damned if I fail.

Killing Me Softly - Lauryn Hill - Violinist Lee England Jr

A little AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I am looking for more. Facebook is Facebook.  You socialize play games but as for substance, there is not much keeping me from screaming "THIS IS THE WORLD WIDE WEB, so where is the World".  Sounds cray I am sure but talking about Columbus all the time or my world and thoughts is not enough. I love to be inspired, motivated, exposed to things that open my mind to want to go higher in every way.  I do not enjoy celebrity conversation nor do I always feel like having an inspirational thought. Sometimes I need one.  Sometimes I want to find kindred spirits so I do not feel like an alien.  Some people who are tired of the same thing and are going higher.  I do have some on my friends list like that. I love them to death but this is not personal it is about my growth. My mind is craving more, which is part of the reason I do not sleep.  I need inspiration to give inspiration and yes I know that sounds like a Pisces to the core but it is so true.  Musicians write beautiful music because they experienced something beautiful to make the harmony so angelic or even rock groups pulled the crazy guitar rifts from some experience.  I simply want more and right now well today I feel stuck.

New Eyes

The losses in my life had no choice but to affect me to my core. I know people say that you will come out the same person but how can you? My vision has changed, the way I see light vs darkness, my connection to others, the way I parent and love or even the things I put up with. It is not all bad though. I honestly did not think I was that strong, I didn't think I could get through but I did and not alone. When we lost our baby I felt hollow empty like I failed at something and I am not afraid to admit that because with our son being gone so were those dreams and that future I had planned. So was the Cookie Monster baby shower I planned or our children fighting over who wanted to hold him. Not only that but I had to process the fact I almost lost my life in the process. My blood loss was serious and I enjoy life and breathing. I literally watched life come back into my body I didn't recognize my face afterwards I didn't recognize me. It took some time to get my footing back and then Daddy. I lost my Daddy September 21st and I sat at the hospital, the same one I lost the baby in fact the same floor and I could not process it all I could process is tasks. I took a long time even going in the room to see his body because that was not my Daddy, my Daddy was gone and I felt lost. My brain froze it felt like everyday feeling like a haunting because I saw him when I was 2 feeding me which made my mom made, at 3 playing this little piggy, at 4 singing you are so beautiful to me, at 5 the field trips he escorted me on, at 6 at my honors celebration on and on and on but now at 34 that was it. He wouldn't be at my wedding physically and he wouldn't be there to see my daughter grow. How do you process that? I am still asking that but I did know my Daddy was courageous. He fought passed many trials of his life. Racism, the government tying to force their beliefs off of him, his battle with drugs, his finding himself again and HE WON. He did not give up even when people treated him differently he found himself and was sure of himself and who he was. That is a lesson I hold dearly to my heart. In all of that my brain began to transform like my Daddy left me a gift. He resuscitated my spirit. He walked with me to this day to let me know he was alright and I could do this. I have days I cry and have no idea I am crying until I look down and see the drops and then there are days I smile and just embrace his spirit. I didn't know that when I looked at his body lay there so lifeless that I had any strength, I didn't know that I could be happy in any capacity after we left the cemetery. I just stared and wondered if he would be cold nothing more but as this journey to find self I have found my father. I see him in the sun, I feel him in the breeze, I meet him in my dreams and we talk sometimes and other times we just smile at one another. So i thank him for being that Daddy. I thank him for loving me so hard that I except nothing less anymore. i thank for seeing me for me and loving it. I thank him for seeing my momma in me and he loved that. The lessons, the love, the grace and the endurance. He has inspired me and I feel like he has left me his vision and now I have new eyes. I laugh more, I do not feel the need for validation because I am validated and still I do not take shit from anyone but now when the present it to me I have a force field around me. I know its my Daddy and my other strong genes and I am eternally thankful.

I love you, I miss you and thank you Diddy (lol) I will always call you my Diddy and I will always be your Sugar Pops.

Memories are something death cannot take from you. Time that was spent with my Dad, talking to him..THATS mines. So although I am not over losing him I still hurt. I know it will be ok and somehow work out. I feel that.So do not be mad or around me mad because you see I act different or get upset when I have boundaries with people. I am in charge of my happiness and no one gets to take that. I am doing what I am meant to do is live. Daddy is smiling on that statement now. So am I. Marrying my best friend was a great first step with my new vision. Perfect. Live and not simply exist. Thats the plan.