Chapter 5 Because for so Long I was that Girl

Because for so long I was that girl even though it was a brief time is why sometimes my warning sound like fire. I want to be soft and gentle but I see the car coming and instead of nudging you out the way there are times I may shove.

For my mid teen years I fell in "love" ok now I know it was the challenge of the hunt and the thrill of your first but then it was love. This guy was older, GQ, preppy, stable job, car etc but I liked him because he was different. I want to be the solution to his sadness. We would date off and on, no commitment but plenty of "attention" wined, dined, walks in the park, and well you get the hint. No man had paid me that much attention I mean they did but it was never conversation to feed my mind. My brain was ahead of a lot of the guys my age at 17 I wanted to be part of revolution and change and they were strictly into gettin some. I was reading everything and anything having to do with elevation and they weren't reading to much that came with time. I thought this guy was what I needed. Once I was caught up and he knew it the agenda changed. Suddenly the clothes I had been wearing were too young for him so I turned into Laura on Little House, then my mouth was too big...well it is still lol I do speak my mind, but I became a church mouse. Anything to please him in hoping that he would truly pay attention I mean we were together all the time, he had to love me right. Well further down the line I learned he kept it open because he could get some strange. He hated short hair I put in weave, he hated tall girls I wore flats LOL. He never stopped coming around so it couldn't be to bad but at the time I just wanted to win/ I liked him yes and I thought he loved me so it was only a matter of time. One day he told me he loved me and it was the day I gave him something no one had ever had. I was open to the experience because this was love, being whined and dined and having company all the time. I figured the pickiness was necessary. He knew best right? he was 6 in a half year older, stable job, car and knew everything. I was just thinking about the next high school final. After the gift I gave him though came a surprise to me, he walked away ..not permenatly it is a long story sad ending but still he walked away and he told me he thought I should've know better and guided him spiritually. I was heartbroken when the next Sunday he brought another woman to my family church and I then realized it was all a game. Sounds stupid i know the whole story now that I looked back on it. I have so many do overs and should've but the heart and emotions and especially hormones sometimes make you do dumb things. It was a life lesson and I am not a little girl anymore but I fuss at that little girl asking her "What the hell were you thinking?"

So yes sometimes I sound harsh because life have taught me many lessons and it is all in love, it is all in sharing for those who may have a blond moment. Ladies at all ages are way to precious to deal with being toyed with or abused but it happens everyday. Queens being treated like peasants. I heard Dr Phil say one day "We teach people how to treat us." If we let a man cross the line and he was bold enough to do it the first time he will do it again and again because we gave the ok by doing nothing. You have to direct people in what is ok and what is not. Do not let anyone change you when you were created as a gem. There is nothing wrong with you and most likely it is that person that is trying to lift themselves by putting their boot in your face and holding you down. I discovered this and eventually discovered true love that was in my face the whole time but thats another chapter.