Chapter 6 Music I am Feeling today

I listen to different types of music but today this is how I feel today. Its not radio music so I hope you can handle that if you are looking at my links. Keep your mind open and you ears might thank you lol.



Teebs


TokiMonsta


Flying Lotus


Devonwho


Afta-1

Chapter 5 Because for so Long I was that Girl

Because for so long I was that girl even though it was a brief time is why sometimes my warning sound like fire. I want to be soft and gentle but I see the car coming and instead of nudging you out the way there are times I may shove.

For my mid teen years I fell in "love" ok now I know it was the challenge of the hunt and the thrill of your first but then it was love. This guy was older, GQ, preppy, stable job, car etc but I liked him because he was different. I want to be the solution to his sadness. We would date off and on, no commitment but plenty of "attention" wined, dined, walks in the park, and well you get the hint. No man had paid me that much attention I mean they did but it was never conversation to feed my mind. My brain was ahead of a lot of the guys my age at 17 I wanted to be part of revolution and change and they were strictly into gettin some. I was reading everything and anything having to do with elevation and they weren't reading to much that came with time. I thought this guy was what I needed. Once I was caught up and he knew it the agenda changed. Suddenly the clothes I had been wearing were too young for him so I turned into Laura on Little House, then my mouth was too big...well it is still lol I do speak my mind, but I became a church mouse. Anything to please him in hoping that he would truly pay attention I mean we were together all the time, he had to love me right. Well further down the line I learned he kept it open because he could get some strange. He hated short hair I put in weave, he hated tall girls I wore flats LOL. He never stopped coming around so it couldn't be to bad but at the time I just wanted to win/ I liked him yes and I thought he loved me so it was only a matter of time. One day he told me he loved me and it was the day I gave him something no one had ever had. I was open to the experience because this was love, being whined and dined and having company all the time. I figured the pickiness was necessary. He knew best right? he was 6 in a half year older, stable job, car and knew everything. I was just thinking about the next high school final. After the gift I gave him though came a surprise to me, he walked away ..not permenatly it is a long story sad ending but still he walked away and he told me he thought I should've know better and guided him spiritually. I was heartbroken when the next Sunday he brought another woman to my family church and I then realized it was all a game. Sounds stupid i know the whole story now that I looked back on it. I have so many do overs and should've but the heart and emotions and especially hormones sometimes make you do dumb things. It was a life lesson and I am not a little girl anymore but I fuss at that little girl asking her "What the hell were you thinking?"

So yes sometimes I sound harsh because life have taught me many lessons and it is all in love, it is all in sharing for those who may have a blond moment. Ladies at all ages are way to precious to deal with being toyed with or abused but it happens everyday. Queens being treated like peasants. I heard Dr Phil say one day "We teach people how to treat us." If we let a man cross the line and he was bold enough to do it the first time he will do it again and again because we gave the ok by doing nothing. You have to direct people in what is ok and what is not. Do not let anyone change you when you were created as a gem. There is nothing wrong with you and most likely it is that person that is trying to lift themselves by putting their boot in your face and holding you down. I discovered this and eventually discovered true love that was in my face the whole time but thats another chapter.

Chapter 4 No Where to Hide

People are always looking for a place to hide. It reminds me of being a kid and knowing you did something wrong, crawling in the space you knew your momma could not find you. The difference now is that we are grown and adults and there is no reason to hide.

There are many places we think people may not be able to see the real us. People hide behind a persona, God, others, while all the time it is a waste because the truth of who you are always comes out. This is not to be a bad thing and shouldn't be shunned but it happens a lot. people look at you funny like it really affects them what you do. The truth is it does. They wish they had the courage to be themselves or the opportunity. They wish that they could take the mask off of day to day and live in the beauty of their own creation. See when you are yourself, you shine. You may not see it but others do. They see the peace and they want the peace. They see you glow and they want that glow. It is like a woman who is unhappy in her marriage for some reason that is always the one that wants everybody married. Its her misery and misery loves company.

Living a lie is slavery. You are bound to a lie and you have to cover that lie with more lies. You dress that lie, you eat that lie you sleep that lie and the next day it starts all over again. Breaking free and being first honest with yourself of who you are secondly treasuring that gem is the first step to freedom and only then can you exhale.

Chapter 3 Outside the box

Some people that are edgy are considered outcast for not being in the bo but edginess opens minds, broadens cultures, being edgy is how new inventions comes about and how Presidents become great, Greatness does not lie in being everyday normal or in the box it lies in us sometimes doing those things that may seem unconventional or what people would think as strange. People become better by marketing what their character has manifested. It is a gift to be unique which is why everyones fingerprints are different. We are all a different make or model. We all having something to offer and I could only imagine the things life would offer. I see day to day how people try to emulate another person but that product has already came out you cannot become a carbon copy. We borrow from our gene pool naturally but no matter how much you look like your momma or daddy or your aunt/uncle etc you are not them you are forever you. Forever beautiful.

We are part of one race human within lies different cultures who believe indifferent Gods, different trends, different ways of eating living etc. It makes a different piece to each puzzle fit beautifully until it transforms into this beautiful mosaic piece of art. You never question the pieces of art looking at the paint on it telling red to become blue. Red is red for a reason it like everything else has its own message, it's own purpose. While questioning other colors we have instead think of our own piece of the puzzle. What are we bringing to the table? We are creating a mosaic of life. We are constantly changing and evolving if we allow people to just be and worry more about ourselves. I never really thought of people like a melting pot but more like a salad where we bring different flavors and textures and when combines its a delicious treat. I mean who just wants a bowl of lettuce? It time we learn to not only embrace or differences but live our lives to the fullest and in the trueness of who we are.

Chapter 2 10.10.10 Vows for Life

10.10.10 turned out to be beautiful. With the loss of my father on September 21st I was not sure if I was going to get through the day. Truth is I cried the night before as I packed his Bible in my bag to take with me. I pulled out something of his a wrapped myself in it to feel close to him and I cried a lot. I talked to him, I talked to God.

That day i woke up to the sun peaking through the window I left the house and the colors of fall were vibrant reds and yellow. The trees swayed and it looked like the most beautiful day I had seen in a long time. My sis Rachel took me to where we would say our vows and I walked into the place were I knew we would stand took a deep breath and peace surrounded me. I didn't miss my dad because I felt him there in the same way as when I saw my sisters walk in. There was no question because I could feel him through the place.

When the time came and my mom took my hand to walk down the aisle and I heard the drums playing (Thank you Ron Hope) I felt excitement to just see my best friend at the end of the aisle waiting for me. I stood at the top of the aisle seeing our family in every way blood or not blood but yet fam and I smiled more than I had in at least two months. You could feel the love throughout the place and I just was like a sponge taking it all in. Finally my grooms eyes meet mine and I see those dimples I hear my mom give me away and feel my dad nodding in agreement. We walk up the stairs and we take each others hands and thats when that feeling began. Its like having permenant butterflies or a fusion of spirits. I looked into his eyes and we spoke with every gesture no words but hey he had been my best friend for over 20 years so ofcourse we could read one another. There were many element incorporated the screamed us. it was what a wedding is suppose to be about...love...unity and on your terms how you express that.

When we were pronounced man and wife I lost people being in the room and only felt my husbands lips and him holding me I felt safe and like we were the only two people in that time space. I looked down later to see our children smiling and happy and it just made it all the more special.

I am thankful to my fam for getting me through that day and bring love. Love heals wounds, Love makes you strong and I couldn't have done it without your help. MOM YOU ARE THE GREATEST, my sisters Candy Dani, Dee, Rachel Your support makes me cry happy tears, Damien you stepped in for daddy without even knowing it by handling business and making sure things were ok.Brian you came late I know the Army had you on lockdown thank you for the effort. My high school friends and middle school Adrian Aaron and Makeia..you all CRACK me up. Daimons fam I love you all and am proud to be a Johnson. Thank you for just supporting Daimon which you all have always done anyway, Just thanks everyone. Thank God definitely Thank God.

Thank you Daddy for so much. Thank you for my cool. I am honored to be Herndon Lee's daughter. I know I have the STRONGEST angel watching over us all.

I still am healing but we will celebrate more soon as I can catch my breath in probably 6 months and you all better come through I love you all if I didn't mention you charge it to my head and not my heart because I am still overwhelmed in a good way and in awe.

And thank you for all the Congrats and well wishes

Photo by J Adams Photography

Our invitation read from one of my favorite authors and it still makes me tear up

Then you rose into my life like a promised sunrise. Brightening my days with the light in our eyes. I've never been so strong. Now I'm where I belong.

-Maya Angelou

Chapter 1 Daddy

I lost my Daddy or Diddy as I called him unexpectedly. It's been over a month but whatever ventures I start will start with a tribute to him. He was a Daddy to me even more than that a example of a man. There are many complexities that made him truly beautiful. He was an artist who could paint portraits of people. I remember him drawing this lion when I was little and it made me appreciate the animal in all its strength. He was an athlete State champion wrestler, basketball., footballl etc he was good at it all and just because I was a girl he did not care we would wrestle since I could remember and he WOULD NOT LET ME WIN LOL. I would cheat and he would crack up and WHAM put me in some hold that i had to use my little girl voice to get out of. he was my Superman. He could make a guitar sing, he preached the Word of God passionately watching him speak was some of my best memories because he transformed into Elder Lee. he would make his voice higher and lower for emphasis. As well as use his passion as an athlete with spins and jumping off the stairs. He was amazing to watch. He was the Daddy who would sing to me, coach me in basketball, hold me when I cried, laugh when I sounded like my mom as he would say. He loved me for me unconditionally. he loved all of his 9 children and respected their individuality. I will miss him...I miss you

Letter to my Daddy

I miss your laughter

The way you never called me by my given name

The way you made life so simple when we talked

The way you saw the rainbow even when there was rain

Right now I can’t imagine a life without you

But I find comfort in that you are free

You came back to us and to God

And your reward to live with Him Eternally

You simply transported for this life to the next

So the tears I shed are for me

For not feeling you in the present

Or being able hug my daddy

To not see those eyes that lit up a room

Or hear you make your guitar sing

But I understand Gods Will

So the saints will be celebrating

Another soldier has fought a good fight

You have finished this journeys end

Live Eternally in Love

The best daddy in the World and friend

-Lanora (Sugar Pops, Yvonno)

Welcome the my blog

It's not for everybody. Really it's for me as a form of expression because life is so much like a book. I have to recognize the power of the chapters so maybe thats how it will be written. Chapter 1 Daddy